I did it - I finally left the land of endless summer (and monsoons) and made my way home to springy Santa Cruz. The journey was… a journey! Complete with all the inspirations, aspirations, frustrations, consternations, celebrations, and the repeating of these cycles you might imagine. I set out on this adventure to explore two things:
The first has been to gain a better understanding of myself, especially regarding the maddening and disheartening ways that I would continually repeat the same patterns in my life that would lead to perpetual stress and burnout. I wanted to see what would happen if I explored spaciousness, loneliness, and allowed myself to sit in uncomfortable insecurity for a while. Boy did I get what I asked for! It has been intense, confusing, invigorating and thoroughly clarifying. I’ve found some beautiful shifts. Shifts I thought would be monumental, and ended up being incremental. Inspiration that I hoped would feel like ascension into a new realm of lightbulb-popping divine clarity. Instead I discovered a gradual approach defined by one gritty decision after another, complete with scraped knees, mud under my fingernails and smoke in my eyes. I feel a deep maturation occurring - an understanding that most of the time, this is it. Visual artist Chuck Close once wrote “Inspiration is for amateurs, the rest of us just get to work.” I realize how often I’ve waited for inspiration, for motivation, for it to feel good before I choose to engage with my process. This is incredibly limiting. More and more, I’m beginning to realize that all of those feelings I’m wanting are just on the other side of choosing to commit to the process. Over the last seven months as I have begun to feel this more viscerally, and it has become the biggest 0-to-1 shift I’ve felt in my entire life. Just begun though. I’m not there yet. I haven’t ascended to the heavens or been anointed by some clarity-bestowing deity - but after getting decently filthy, scraped and bruised after a gutsy climb to the next plateau, I’m feeling pretty darn good about myself.
The other reason (you forgot there was another reason, didn’t you?) I left was to learn a new superpower! My dear friend and mentor Edward Dangerfield has spent the last decade synthesizing an unbelievable healing modality that blends breathwork, bodywork, subtle body/energy work, and an in-depth knowledge of the nervous system, endocrine system, trauma, attachment patterns and anatomy in such a unique way that it’s totally blown open the doors on what I understood was possible in a healing space. These seven months I’ve spent immersing deeply into intense study of all of this and I’m extraordinarily grateful for it. The residual impact on me and my work in the world is enormous and continues to reveal itself. For now I feel a surge of creativity and efficacy coming through my practice, and with it a real sense of personal pride - like a carpenter at the end of a big project soaking up some moments of deep satisfaction after a job well done.
As I return, I will be putting most of my focus on growing deeper roots in my personal healing practice. Prioritizing the spaciousness and slowness in my life needed to deeply serve my clinical practice. I realize that holding onto this for some time is the central key to continuing my gritty climb towards a life full of loving presence, connection, and accomplished goals. If you or anyone you love is interested in this type of therapeutic work, reach out and let’s have a chat.
Lastly, I have a gift for you all. There is one practice I cultivated out there that has had a particularly monumental impact on my life. It’s very simple, I’ll lay it out in steps:
Step 1: Get set up. You’ll want a cozy place to sit, something to listen to music from (headphones or speaker), and something to write with and on.
Step 2: Sit down, put on the right music (there’s a mix below this I made and like), and close your eyes.
Step 3: Begin to breathe more deeply than you usually do. Not intense in any way. Breathe 10%-20% more deeply than usual, making sure that your body can relax while doing it. The deeper you breathe, the more creative energy you’ll feel.
Step 4: Stay with the process like a meditation, allowing what arises to come and go. If something important arrives, write it down.
Step 5: Keep doing this every day. Try it for a week and see how it feels. Thirty minutes is epic, but if there isn’t time, try ten, or even five.
Personally, I’ve found that it feels like a “boot-up sequence” for me each morning. It grounds me, stabilizes my emotions and thoughts, brings in clarity and focus, layer by layer, and I always leave the practice feeling so happy that I did. It feels like maintenance for my psycho-emotional body, and I’m starting to treat it with the same priority level as brushing my teeth.
Here is a 30-minute mix I made and love to use for it. Enjoy!